


[META] How To Write a Cliché Time Turner Fic

by Darsynia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Meta, Other, Satire, comment with a link if you actually write this, excessive use of strikethrough text, how not to win friends and influence people, only slightly self-referential, relationship tags added as a reference tool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 16:48:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13035342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darsynia/pseuds/Darsynia
Summary: If you like certain pairings, you've seen them--the stories where despite (or perhaps in spite of) the author's best intentions, the story is painfully cliché and overdone. But how does one master the art of the cringefic? What are the beats necessary to achieve the masterpiece in the genre of time traveling Harry Potter fic?Wonder no more, dear readers.





	[META] How To Write a Cliché Time Turner Fic

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in 2006 on LJ. I wrote this in a moment of flagellation when I realized I above all things wanted to _write_ a time traveling Hermione fix-it fic after reading many wonderful ones and a few spectacularly bad duds. I want to reassure anyone that reads this and wonders if I'm directing it to them personally that I'm not; as I mention more than once, you can write good stories with clichés in them! This is mostly dedicated to the obviously bad fic out there, you know which ones they are!

** How To Write a Cliché Time Turner Fic **

This guide is mostly tongue-in-cheek, and isn’t (not wholly, anyway) meant to insult anyone who has used any of these plot devices in their own stories. It should be noted that good fanfiction _can_ result from using any or all (maybe) of these examples, but the overwhelming majority tends to the cheesy. From here on out, I’m not daring you to be different, but rather, ordering you to conform!

All of the excerpts are written by me, to protect the guilty.

Prologue  
Step 1: The All-Knowing Adult  
Step 2: Mode of Travel  
Step 3: Arrival Point  
Step 4: Friends At Once!  
Step 5: Who’s Peter?  
Step 6: Romance in a Heartbeat  
Step 7: The Secret Everyone Knows  
Step 8: Everything Is Changed; Nothing Changes  
Step 9: Picking Up Right Where You Left Off  
In Conclusion…

**Prologue**

For maximum effect, these steps should be paired with poor grammar, deplorable spelling, and misguided punctuation. The finished product should boggle reviewers into leaving vague, generic comments due to the overwhelming number of errors in characterization, writing technique, and gratuitous plot manipulation. The goal is to produce something that could be described as a printed train-wreck, not bad enough to put down, not good enough to praise.

**Step 1: The All-Knowing Adult**

The first chapter of any cliché Time Turner fic _must_ include the ‘All Knowing Adult.’ Whether they are a Professor or your love interest himself, this person must be mysterious, passionate, and most of all—confusing. Bonus points if this person is not normally enigmatic by nature and/or wouldn’t characteristically choose to meddle with time.

Option 1: Cryptic Professor/Other Adult: It should be noted that Professor Dumbledore is known for speaking in riddles, so unless you’re prepared to dial up the batshit, it’s not a good idea to use him for this. Professor McGonagall is an excellent choice, as she is a play-by-rules stickler, and tends to be very direct. Extra credit if you choose a lesser-used individual, but they’re completely out of character.

Option 2: The Love Interest: Sometimes the best ‘hook’ to draw your readers in is your love interest himself. Preferably the character that is played by the actor you’re currently obsessed with, he should have a strangely intense aura about him, and on no account should he make any sense whatsoever:

> ”Hermione,” Professor Snape said fervently, “Don’t step on it!”
> 
> With these odd words, he stalked away from her, his black robes furling around him in anger.

**Step 2: Mode of Travel**

This is a no-brainer, right? WRONG. The _way_ your Time Turner malfunctions is as important as who your heroine falls in love with at the drop of a hat! Choose something too obscure or too ‘logical’ ( ~~Time Turners malfunction in exact 20 year increments when used underwater!!~~ ) and you’ve lost your audience. It should be noted that this cliché is fairly unfair of me to point out, as there is a really limited number of ways a Time Turner can malfunction—right?

Option 1: Oops! I broke it again… The old standby—cracked Time Turner = anyone in proximity is sent back in time in neat, divisible-by-five chunks of time. Except, we’ve got a snag… no one wants our perfect heroine to appear clumsy, do they? Luckily for us, we’ve got Death Eaters—and they’ve got delightfully naughty children:

> Her heart sank as she reached the top of the flight of stairs and saw Malfoy standing there with a smirk. She tried to walk passed him, but he spoke.
> 
> “Knock, knock,” Draco said, sneering.
> 
> “Who’s there?” Hermione asked, unable to resist her favorite type of joke.
> 
> “Impatient Mudblood.” was his answer.
> 
> “Impatient Mud—“
> 
> Before she could get the words out, he shoved her down the stairs. As her hapless body bounced on the concrete, she heard the sound of cracking glass punctuated by Malfoys cruel voice completing the joke.
> 
> “Impatient Mudblood wants to get to the bottom of the stairs!”

See how a few misspelled words, awkward grammar choices, and subtle canon mistakes (Hogwarts uses concrete? Hermione likes _knock, knock_ jokes?!) can polish up your story into primo bad!fic? Use of a variant of the ‘impatient cow’ joke encouraged by my spouse.

Option 2: Acts of God: If you’d prefer to keep your traveler’s trip (pun intended) to be less public, there’s always the good old lightning strike/misdirected Death Eater curse/freak tornado—wait, scratch that last one. Offering an excellent reason for your protagonist to want to change time gives your readers excellent reasons to continue reading (You’ve killed Harry and LV has won? Get thee back in time, stat!). Just remember, expediency is key. Describing the necessity of the trip and the ominous warnings given in shady corners by cryptic professors all need to happen in the first chapter.

**Step 3: Arrival Point**

Given that your entire story needs to occur within around ten chapters, you’ll want your heroine to drop into the past as close to her future (I’m so clever) love interest as possible (admit it, you smiled). It should also be noted that whatever time she leaves, she should arrive in warm weather. Don’t ask me why, but this seems to be a staple of Time Turner fics.

Option 1: Your Lap Sure Is Comfy! Despite the fact that no one can Apparate on Hogwarts’ campus, MWPP+Lily (and possibly Snape) don’t point this out when Hermione/Ginny/Luna/ ~~OFC~~ Mary Sue appears out of nowhere in the lap of her intended. Invariably the reaction is that of laughter and genial confusion rather than genuine worry as to where the heck this girl came from in a place that’s supposed to be safe and secure. If you absolutely _must_ have someone be suspicious of the new student, make sure it’s ~~Peter~~ * a character that’s universally disliked and generally ignored by the other characters.  
*more on this later

Option 2: Headmaster, I Found Her Unconscious On The Stairs: If you’re queasy at the idea of introducing your Trio-era student to all of the Marauder-era kiddies at once, the next best thing is to have your heroine appear near to one of them (usually Lily or her twue wub) in a position where she clearly needs help. Our helpful Gryffindor (trust me on this one) will immediately take her to see the Headmaster, who will, for no apparent reason, explain exactly who this person is and swear her confused rescuer into secrecy.

> Ginny awoke to the sight of her own mirror image—the woman whose lap she was resting in was a tall redhead with beautiful deep emerald eyes.
> 
> “Are you all right?” she asked in a rich tone.
> 
> “Y-yes, I think so,” Ginny replied, slightly in awe of such a pretty woman who looked slightly familiar.
> 
> “I’ve got to get you to Dumbledore,” Lily said firmly, standing and lifting a surprised Ginny to her feet…

**Step 4: Friends At Once!**

The purpose of your story won’t be anything silly like showing the differences between two time periods and/or groups of friends, or developing a plausible connection between two characters—your story is more likely to be about ~~smut~~ a beautiful love, so we don’t have time to waste on silly things like believable character arcs. When your lovely flower of womanhood arrives in the past, she’s got a ready-made group of friends just waiting to have adventures with her.

Option 1: Best Friends ‘Till 1981: The best plot device _ever_ (and by this I mean, I’ve used it myself) in time travel fics is the Lily Evans Factor. Not much is known about this feisty redhead, and thus we as writers can feel free to make her the perfect foil for the misunderstood time traveler with a heart of gold. From the moment they meet, they should be inseparable, and together they’ll reform the hearts of one Marauder who has no idea how lucky he is.

Option 2: The Fifth Marauder: This option is best used when the love interest is Mr. James Potter himself, because Miss Lily Evans isn’t going to be too pleased to see that Luna/Hermione/Ginny/ ~~Draco~~ is getting on better with the Marauders than she is—then again, perhaps it’s best to just forget about her completely, eh? Except, of course, for the times when she and James fight as Head Boy and Head Girl, and our perky girl from the future can soothe his wounded heart. Bonus points if James forgets that he’s been obsessed with Lily for a few years in the face of his blindingly perfect love for yours truly—err, _our heroine_.

**Step 5: Who’s Peter?**

In every world, there exists that one character whose presence is not to be borne, no matter what the canon has to say on the subject. In HP, this person is Peter Pettigrew. JKR says he had full membership to the Marauder club, but this is _fanfiction_ , and we say ‘once a rat, always a rat.’ Fudging some flashbacks isn’t hard when faced with a 20-year time jump, so finding a place to stash Peter the Pathetic for a term or two shouldn’t be too difficult.

Option 1: Durmstrang Is So Nice This Time of Year… Never heard of the Wizard Transfer Student program? That’s because it only lasted one year. What a coincidence—it was 1977! It’s a shame that with Peter gone away to Durmstrang and the student bound for Hogwarts from Romania gone missing, there’s a spot in the Marauders to fill… Never mind the fact that, while he managed to become an Animagus along with James and Sirius, Peter was never written as that fantastic a scholar. Continuity isn’t key in this sub-genre.

Option 2: We HATES Him, Precious. Barring an accidental death (yay, no betrayer = everyone gets to live!) or something similar, one could always go the most cliché route of all, and have everyone simply hate Peter’s guts and treat him like a pile of hippogryph dung. Besides the odd opportunity to make fun of his stupidity, Wormtail’s friends should mostly ignore him—and as for his own behavior, play up the sycophantic undertones from OotP’s flashbacks and have him as fawning as the re-release of Bambi.

> ”Do it again, James!” To her disgust, the rotund boy was fairly quivering in excitement at the prospect of seeing James show off his abilities as the Gryffindor Seeker. ~~The Giant Squid~~ Hermione shot a look at Remus, knowing that the gentle man she loved wouldn’t be able to resist trying to mediate this growing explosion. Potter spoke first though.
> 
> “Merlin, Peter, go read a comic book or something,” James sneered, making sure to run his fingers through his black hair until it stood on end, just in case the girls across the courtyard hadn’t noticed him yet.

**Step 6: Romance In a Heartbeat**

This step will vary depending on which method of arrival you chose, but the essentials remain the same. From the moment they see each other, there must be an instant and tangible attraction between your intended pairing. Depending on how ‘Sue’ you go with the female, you can make sure that at least one other Marauder feels the inexorable draw of her beauty.

Option 1: Mischievous Spell Goes Awry—Romance Ensues! News at 11: The easiest way of establishing an immediate connection between our lovers is to place them in a ‘trapped’ kind of situation. I’ve seen this done to great effect even in non-badfic Time Travel, so don’t fear! If you’re really lazy, you can use Peeves, but a simple handcuff type spell or charmed door lock does the trick just as well. For a more full-bodied plot, have the culprits be the Marauders (this works particularly well when the love interest is Snape) themselves.

Option 2: ‘I’ll Save You!’ The idea here is to have an Adversary threaten your heroine such that your chosen hero can defend her honor, thus causing them to fall madly in love. The options here are pretty clear—you’ve got future Death Eaters…more future Death Eaters… uh, yeah. Well, whichever one you chose should either be really good at glowering but not so good at the whole dueling thing, or you could pick Peter, depending on your choices for Step 5, of course.

**Step 7: The Secret Everybody Knows**

Thanks to _Back To the Future_ , everyone knows that the tiniest changes can make a big difference in the future. It’s best not to interact with anyone and you _definitely_ shouldn’t tell anyone that you’re actually from the future. Thankfully, this isn’t a crossover, so a wild-eyed, white haired man… hmm, maybe I should rephrase that… What I’m trying to say here is, this is Harry Potter, and anything is possible, right? So forget all of the nonsense about telling no one, or you won’t be able to keep up with the true gems in this genre. By the time your time traveler goes back, all of her friends in the past should know exactly who she was and how she got there.

Option 1: The Map Never Lies! Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad plot device, though it is a time travel story cliché, if we’re going to get technical about it. Rather than avoid it, we’re going to embrace it with open arms, and take it to the furthest extreme. Interpret that however you like—a few examples, however, would be:  
-The Marauders are all looking at the map in the common room where anyone could see it, and notice Hermione/Fleur/Padma/Random Hufflepuff #24601’s name somehow in the mix of twenty students in the same room  
-One of the Marauders sees her name doesn’t match up and runs and accuses her of treachery in front of the others (bonus points if it’s Remus, ‘cause he like, totally would do that)

Option 2: Confession Is Good For the Soul: Burdened by her conscience, our heroine confesses all to any/all of the Marauders or Snape. By ‘all,’ we mean who she is and where she’s from, not who does what to whom, who dies, who gets locked up and who loses a finger, mind. That doesn’t bother her conscience, apparently. If her confession is prompted by encouragement by one of the teachers that is still employed at the school in the future, so much the better. If make-up sex is on your checklist for this story, this is a great opportunity to get our lovers in a row, only to reconcile a few hours later in the Prefect’s Bathroom/Astronomy Tower/the Dungeons.

> ”I can’t stay angry at you, it seems,” the raven-haired boy said to her in a stiff yet loving voice.
> 
> “I’m sorry I had to lie to you, Severus—it was the _only way!_ ” she cried, hoping she hadn’t ruined their relationship for all time.
> 
> “I understand, buttercup,” he said, pulling her to him for a heated kiss.

Excuse me, I need to wash my eyes out with soap after reading Snape refer to anyone as ‘buttercup.’

**Step 8: Everything Is Changed; Nothing Changes**

The primary motivation (other than sex, of course) of most TT fics is the opportunity to change the horrible events that the author hates from the canon material. The key to this cliché is very simple: no matter _what_ you change in the past, there should be no effect in the future besides the obvious ‘the dead are alive, the betrayed are free, the betrayers are behind bars.’ After all, it’s too much work to write things as they would have been affected by all this changing, amirite? No options here, pretty straightforward.

**Step 9: Picking Up _Right_ Where You Left Off**

This is a tricky one to explain—essentially, your job here is to ignore the fact that for one of your main characters, there have been 20-odd years between their love affair in school and his life as it is now, while your shiny happy traveler has just poofed back into her own time still twitterpated. Turn your back on the moral ambiguities and embrace the idea that a couple of months’ worth of love affair should be followed by twenty years of apparent celibacy and a joyful reunion. Most importantly, erase any scenes from your mind that describe what it had to be like for Snape/Sirius/Remus/Flitwick to first meet the child-version of their true love.

> When Remus saw the blush in her cheeks, he knew that _finally_ , his love had come home from her instant journey. As her velvet brown eyes met his blue ones (A/N: I know that most people think they’re ‘tawny’ or something, but I like blue eyes so I made Remmy have them, hee!), they both started across the room and into each other’s arms. The rest of the Order watched this in shock, their expressions changing to reflect their approval as they saw the love shining in the lover’s eyes.

**In Conclusion…**

Many things have been touched on here, not the least of which being the subtle errors in the faux excerpts. Author’s notes in the middle of stories, hideous OOC nicknames—OOC-ness in general… well, you get the picture. Such things add glitz to an already standout piece, causing your readers to continue, entranced and disgusted, to the very end. Before you despair at the idea that a perfectly good story might fit into these guidelines, remember that what makes these story elements into clichés aren’t the plot devices themselves, but the obvious and painful ways that they’re implemented.


End file.
